Fucking L.A. clubs…..

****Please click on title of this thread, which will take you to the actual article, where a representative of the club and I have both responded to the thread with more thoughts. It really doesn’t change my position at all, but in fairness I’d like to make sure you hear his side too.******

L.A. clubs……

Been playing in them for years, been helping them draw in tons of people, in every kind of band from covers to large touring acts……played in almost every one of them over the years, some of which have had numerous versions/owners etc…..been drunk partying, watching friends’ bands, chasing girls, being seen and seeing all that stuff….spending tons of money in them……BUTTTTTTTTTTTT…….

Also been getting treated like shit, enduring the worst class of soundmen on the PLANET, (and that’s saying something, cause there’s plenty of shitty soundmen to go around, believe me), getting the most back-handed “go fuck yourself” treatment by people who present themselves as “Music Lovers” but in fact can’t STAND musicians (sometimes understandable – but that’s another topic) and hate the fact that musicians get the girl, are cooler than them, aren’t money-grubbing freaks and are generally fine with it…..never getting a place to park that reflects the fact that we have to carry in 1/2 a ton of equipment so we end up struggling it down a dark alley in the middle of the night hoping that vampires don’t get us….having to pay full L.A. nightclub prices for shitty drinks even when you’ve filled their shithole up and they’re making so much money they could wipe their asses with it….enduring the most out of date crappy gear that doesn’t work, mics that REEK of someone else’s ass or mouth (can’t tell the difference) and if you ask for another mic they’ll take it in back and make SURE it smells of someone’s ass….their’s…..blame YOU when the gear that’s already 20 years out of date doesn’t work, or they don’t know how to MAKE it work (happens a lot that I know more about the gear than they do, but they won’t let you help them to get better at their job, even if you’re nice about it), blame YOU when the place is empty, even when they call you the day before begging you to fill the slot just vacated by their brother’s shitty band and then vibe you all night like you let THEM down….like it’s YOUR job to handle their promotion for them…..

You know what, you get the point right? As a musician in this town you’re treated like a steaming pile pretty much most of the time by pretty much most of the clubs, and you basically have to just take it and even slurp it up most of the time, because if you say a thing you won’t be playing there again until you’re Springsteen and wouldn’t do it anyway.

Ok, so what’s new about this? Nothing. Why this rant then? There’s nothing new to see here people, move along etc etc…..

Tonight is a good buddy’s B-Day, and he’s playing in 2 bands at a place called Molly Malone’s, one after the other, (they’re all friends, and friends of mine) and I was heading down to see him, hangout and buy him beers, and generally have a good time celebrating and seeing friends I see way too infrequently…..

A little setup….. Molly Malone’s is roughly about 80 miles from my house as the odometer reads, which in L.A. is easily an hour and a half driving time, and gas is about 15-20 bucks round trip, not a lot but it’ll get you to a movie….

So I’m on my way down in the Valley and realize I have no cash, which is fairly normal with me, since we like to use cards and build up miles, and what troll bridge DOESN’T use them these days anyway right? But in an epiphany of cynicism, it occurs to me that it’s possible there will be a cover charge (of course there will be, since obviously they can’t make a dime on $10 beers…DUH!?!?!), so I call down to find out what the situation is….and yep…..there’s a cover charge, and nope, we don’t give a SHIT that you don’t have cash, if you don’t have that cash, you AIN’T GETTIN IN THE DOOR, NO MATTER HOW MUCH MONEY YOU’RE GOING TO SPEND! And you’re a DUMB ASSHOLE TOO!! (Ok, I made up that last bit, but you could hear it in every syllable that splattered out of his mouth onto the phone.)

ACCKKK!!! “So you’re saying that the X amount of money I was planning on spending at your very fucking far and very full of itself bar in honor of my friend’s B-Day, is money you DON’T WANT, RIGHT?”

Right.

Ok, I should own that ultimately this is my fault, I should have had some cash yeh? But it’s an honest mistake to make in the modern world that the REST OF US ADULTS live in, we’re not in high school anymore, and I’m not buying pot, I’m going to a club……where you’d think this could come up oh I dunno…..like EVERY FUCKING NIGHT!?!?! How many people don’t use cash as a rule?

LOTS, I know them.

So I suggest they could charge my card for the entrance fee, and the reason he gives for NO!! is that the cash is where the money to pay THE BAND comes from….as though there’s a chance in hell that the bands will crack the ludicrously high minimum number of people, and NOT as a group which these bands are, but as individual bands…….so the idea that they need to pay the bands is laughable on the face of it….and ball-crushingly stupid in this context……(my guess is they just take the money off the books and act like it never crossed their radar, for tax and drugs purposes, but I’m just guessing…) and so ultimately, though he never said it, me and the money I was going to spend in their club buying myself and my buddy Dave beers, could go stick our collective dick in an exhaust pipe.

So, as a guess I’m gonna say that the cover charge was $10, and that I would have spent a minimum of $50 inside and would have gladly put the cover charge on the card so $60….lessee…..$60 minus $10…err…….humph…….oof…..ok, I get a net loss of $50 for the club, what’d you get?

Sounds like a great idea to me, why isn’t EVERYONE doing this, including Disneyland?

Because you LOSE money, and make people hate you, that’s why most businesses don’t do it!

Bars are notorious for financial shenanigans (like how I got a term related to Irish stuff in there?), so I think my guess about taxes and off the books income isn’t far off…..

Speaking of Irish, here’s a few Irish clubs off the top of my head that I either KNOW for sure or have a strong feeling DON’T do this – O’Briens in Santa Monica, Finn’s in Santa Monica, and Ireland’s 32 in Sherman Oaks, that’s off the top of my head, and BTW, these are ALL places that I would rather go anyway, but it’s not where my friend was playing tonight.

So since I didn’t want to call around to friends asking to borrow the cash (how fucking LAME would that be?), and I don’t even HAVE an ATM card, (and haven’t EVER needed one till now since the 80’s ended or dinosaurs died), I left messages on my friend and his wife’s phones apologizing for my mistake and headed back the at this point luckily only 60 miles home.

I’ll admit it again, ultimately this is my fault for not being totally prepared……but let’s remember the modern world I at least live in, and that I wasn’t going HUNTING or to ANTARCTICA and therefore needed to be ready for anything from snow to Indian attacks for fuck’s sake, I was trying to go spend money in a club. Who apparently didn’t want it.

Fine, that won’t be a problem they’ll have to face from me again, and it won’t be because next time I’ll be prepared….my preparation for going to that club will be to make sure I don’t. Even though I’ve played there with Dillon O’Brian, Ken O’Malley, and some other people with Irish names who may or may not be from Ireland or even Irish. Many times over the years.

I just wanted to pass my experience along, share the knowledge, and the story….I feel better now….

Some plugs for some places that have always been cool and I enjoyed being there…..

Genghis Cohen has always been kind and decent, and their gear and soundmen always work and are at least good and sometimes very good. Previously mentioned Ireland’s 32 – totally unpretentious non-full of themselves just cool people hang there, I recommend it highly if you just want to go have a beer and watch some music in the Valley…..there’s a sound guy that used to be around named Swan (who also sings his ass off in a Led Zeppelin tribute band) he was always cool and very good at his job……etc etc….there ARE some cool people and places out there…..it’s just the Molly’s isn’t one of them.